08.03.05 I Married Lisa Douglas

I'd say this is our house, but the roof looks too good. I live in a small town in NY state. It's not quite Hooterville, but it's not that far removed from it. But that, is not where the similarity ends. I happened to have married Lisa Douglas.














Let me explain a little further...She's a smart, attractive, talented, a good Mom, good wife, good friend, but she can not cook to save her (or our) life! I got home from work yesterday, and noticed that our 2 qt saucepan was all burned on the inside. Many people (or husbands) might suspect that she was trying to prepare some difficult culinary delight for her 'hard workin' man. When I asked what happened, she said 'I was boiling an egg'. I was speechless. I mean, how hard is it to boil an egg. You first, fill the saucepan with water, then you place an egg in it. You bring it to a boil, turn the heat down (or off) and set a timer and let it sit for 15-20 minutes. That's pretty much it. But, her style if to put water in, maybe enough, maybe not. Turn the heat up FULL BLAST, walk away, wait for her timer (the smoke alarm) to go off, then get a screwdriver or my $40 Henkle paring knife to scrape off the carbonized food matter, Brillo the shit out of the pan to try to hide the evidence. Fumigate the room, then have some cereal. The times she tries to cook, she refuses to follow a recipe. She thinks her expertise will carry her through. I am probably one of the few men, who when I went in to the hospital, the whole family lost weight! We use her meatloaf as a threat to our boys to get them to do their chores. I cook because I like it, it's relaxing, it's almost like making love. You nurture the food and bring out it's flavor for an sensual experience.
I could use a night or two off. It would be nice.
I think I need a 'FUCK HOUSEWORK' apron or something.
-signed, starving in NY