09.22.05 Joke Time, too busy to Blog

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice."And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

09.20.05 Moral of the Story...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God Works in Mysterious Ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and Immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever. Don't mess with 'em

Another Joke

Q: What's George Bush's position on Roe v. Wade?

A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans!

09.15.05 Finish the Joke...

Q: Why did the Chicken cross the road....?

09.14.05 Funny Kid Stories

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking
when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

08.22.05 Little Billy Jokes

I'm too lazy to write on this blog today so here are some 'Little Billy' jokes... Leave a joke if you'd like

LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." "Oh?" replied the man. "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little BILLY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU.There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:One is delicately licking the sides of the triplescoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your way of thinking."

LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH:
Little BILLY returns home from school and says he gotan F in arithmetic."Why?" asks the father." "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY. "But that's right!" says his dad."Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference? " asks the father. "That's what I said!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says,"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words,class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful." Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job."

LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First she called on little Suzie, who responded with,"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael."My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"

08.05.05 'What I Believe' by steve martin

What I Believe.

• "I believe in rainbows and puppy dogs and fairy tales.
• And I believe in the family - Mom and Dad and Grandma.. and Uncle Tom, who waves his penis.
• And I believe 8 of the 10 Commandments.
• And I believe in going to church every Sunday, unless there's a game on.
• And I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome and natural things.. that money can buy.
• And I believe it's derogatory to refer to a woman's breasts as "boobs", "jugs", "winnebagos" or "golden bozos".. and that you should only refer to them as "hooters".
• And I believe you should put a woman on a pedestal.. high enough so you can look up her dress.
• And I believe in equality, equality for everyone.. no matter how stupid they are, or how much better I am than they are.
• And, people say I'm crazy for believing this, but I believe that robots are stealing my luggage.
• And I believe I made a mistake when I bought a 30-story 1-bedroom apartment.
• And I believe the Battle of the Network Stars should be fought with guns.
• And I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was - an arctic region covered with ice.
• And, lastly, I believe that of all the evils on this earth, there is nothing worse than the music you're listening to right now.

That's what I believe.

06.30.05 - A Tear To Your Eye

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN
make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the
workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them
gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her
feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her
mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested
that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the
next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked
the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a
young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
building the house next door to us."

My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever
deliver the fuckin sheet rock..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye